::SIGH::

I am really struggling today.  I want to be a mommy more than anything, and the fact that it's not happening as easily as I wanted it to is really bothering me today.  I just found out that another one of my acquaintences is pregnant and I hate to say that it makes me so sad.  Not sad in the way that I am not happy for her and her husband...but sad in the way that I want it so bad and I can't have it.  I know that makes me sound so selfish, but I can't help it, as much as I may try I can't help the way that I feel and it kills me to feel that way. 

Turkey Burgers

I found a recipe that is MMMMMMM for turkey burgers.

1lb Turkey burger
1 Red pepper- chopped small
1 Yellow pepper- chopped small
1t. Cumin
1t. Chili powder
Chopped onion (however much you like)
Dash of tobasco
Dash of worcestershire
Salt and Pepper to taste

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl and shape into patties.  Grill until done.  Top with your favorite salsa and avacado slices. 

I hope you try this and ENJOY!, because they are delicious!

Zumba, Yoga and PCOS

Well...one week down and I have maintained my weight.  No loss, but it's better than gaining!  I wasn't really surprised due to all the running around we were doing and therefore eating whatever is handy or going out over the weekend.  But, back on track I go. 

For exercise I do Zumba...a high intensity dance workout that is quite fun.  So...I do that for an hour Monday-Friday.  Then...When I get home from work, and I'm all stressified...I like to do a few Yoga poses and do some deep breathing and stretching for about 40 minutes.  Plus Im running up and down hallways ~1,000,000 times a day.  I should really get a pedometer...I think I may be surprised at how many steps I take in a day!

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday about an injury I had at work. (I needed a follow up appointment for worker's comp to pay the damn bills).   I work with this man on a day to day basis and I think he is wonderful!  Anyhoo...after we are done discussing my toe injury (extreme, I know) he asks me how I am doing, "okay" I say.  Then he asks how my husband is. "good" I say.  Then he asks "I don't remember, do you have kids?"  Emotional breakdown ensues.  (dammit)  So...we had a long talk.  He offered to take a look at some pelvic ultrasounds I had a few years ago to check out my ovaries to check for PCOS or Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome.  Whatever the outcome, he has offered to help my husband and I on our journey to parenthood.  He told me about a medicine that I can take to regulate my cycles that he said a few of his sisters took when they were trying to conceive and it worked!  He's wonderful and never made me feel for one second like I shouldn't be trying to have babies because of my size (which is why I am doctor shy about this in the first place) or ashamed that we are having trouble. He said that my weight may be a factor in our inability to conceive at this point, but that it shouldn't stop us from trying.  So....my ultrasounds arrived today in the mail and I will take them to him on Tuesday when he is there again and we will go from there. 
Thanks for all the support to those of you who read this, it means a lot to  me to be able to share my story and have people care and support me!  You Rock!

Thanks for reading~ Charity :)

And We're Off!

Hello folks!  Where to begin....welp, guess I'll just jump right in! 

I am a big girl. I have never been a small girl...figure wise anyways...I came roaring out of my mother at a whopping 10lbs, and haven't looked back ever since.  I refuse to divulge my weight because I'm not so comfy with it at the moment/my whole life.  HOWEVER...I am now on a journey to a healthier & happier me and really trying to find out who I really am besides "the fat girl". 

ONWARD!

My husband Jay and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year.  Well...I suppose not really TRYING...but, not preventing.  When I went off birth control almost 2 years ago (because it was doing some effed up things to my body)  my doctor asked me weather or not I was ok with getting pregnant should the condoms that we were using at that point fail to work.  "Yes" I said, since I have wanted a baby for about 4 years, but time and circumstance weren't really on our side.  I also added "as long as should a surprise happen everything would be ok."...she hesitates..."Well, you are in 'general' good health, but there are risks"  ok...thatnks, I kinda knew that...but, then my mind started a-workin...and I thought every pregnancy has risks, right?  I know lots of big women that have had completely normal healthy pregnancies/children.  Why not give er a shot! 

Wellllll...here we are a year later...baby-less...still overweight...and hating myself more every time I see that one little pink line and begging that another little pink line will pop up next to it thinking "Stupid pregnancy test bitches and their faulty pregnancy tests!!"  I had a feeling in my heart of hearts that we would have trouble conceiving, no matter what...and now...I have a feeling in my heart of hearts that it's because I'm just too fat, and my body is saying "no way jose!" until I can lose some serious poundage. 

Which brings us to our next step....Weight Loss.

Since starting thinking more and more about this in May...down 20lbs. (without really trying)  YAY!  Having about a million more to go...Not so yay!    But, I have a plan...and now that I will be really trying, I think that it will be better.  I know I can do it, I just need to stay motivated, I need support (where you folks come in :) ) and I need to trust myself when I say "you deserve better for you, and for your future family".  YAY!  For the first time in a long time I may just be seeing myself as not such a horrible person after all...hmm whoda thunk.  So while most mommy's are trying to lose the tummy flab post pregnancy...Im trying to lose it pre pregnancy. 

I hope you will join me on this journey...it may get interesting....I will record weekly weight loss :) / gain :( as well as keep you filled in on negative and hopefully one day positive pregnancy tests. 

Thanks for Reading!  Charity